It's been a while since I've thought about this statement. Worthiness is my kryptonite; I remind myself I am worthy more than I instinctively feel I am. But it's a journey and a process and I'm getting better at it as I go.
So why, when I was asked today, did I spit that out to my psychologist (every everyone should see one by the way, level up) in the most robotic monotone word-by-word way my mouth possibly could???
Because it's still hard to believe.
I am the oldest child, but the truth is I had an older sibling; her name was Money.
Money was always more important than what I wanted, money could do anything but it was loved by my parents so much that they were reluctant to share her with my brother and I. That's okay, I guess, it's not like we had a bad childhood. We saw the world! We had great hobbies like horse-riding lessons and tennis, but you can bet bottom-dollar they were only when Money said it was a good deal. She didn't say that often about the things my brother and I asked for; she NEVER said it about brand new things and she was quick to tell my mother what a WASTE our money-required ideas were. It deteriorated our opinions; she made us feel unvalued. And that made us unworthy.
Now there are two ways you can go from here as a child. Kick scream melt down until you get your way, or vow that one day when you grown up you're going to make your OWN money and my ANYTHING you desire...
My brother took option one. I vehemently opted for path number two...
And here we are. I am successful, I make my own money, I contribute to my family. My husband makes more, that's okay, I do more in the home/family management. It's all one pot, team, dream... Except when I go on maternity leave...
Oh maternity leave, the stuff dreams are made of! The time off from work to nurture your new human and still have a job to go back to when you're ready. It is a perk of parenting and I know not all countries are so gracious. I am grateful.
But maternity leave is unpaid. And if I'm not paid, I'm not making money and I'm not contributing to that part of our family ecosystem. Suddenly I start to worry about every dollar I'm spending (I didn't earn it) and every thing I out source (really I should be cleaning the house and saving on daycare and cooking every meal at home right?? If I'm not in my paid job, then my home job should level up right?? Nevermind the fact that I've just birthed a human life and that is a huge job in itself... no no no, that doesn't pay, and worthiness is about money.
Or is it?
This is a tricky one. My therapist tried to coax the words out of me; and they computed out like robots. Yes-I-am-worthy-even-if-I'm-not-earning-income.
But, but, BUT! I remind myself. I AM WORTHY of any income I desire! And just because I 'pause' my one job, doesn't mean I'm not worthy of amplifying my side hustle, that IS an income, and IS feasible for me to do while I nurture a baby, and my body, to optimal health - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
So today, my session wasn't all down and out - in fact I was the happiest I've ever been. My body feels good and nourished, my mind feels excited and ready to grow my side business into a budding bouquet of roses (dozennnns of roses!) AND THAT'S OKAY. Because I am WORTHY of whatever I decide, anything I set my mind to, give energy to, run towards like I'm on FIRE. And that's what I'm doing with this business, and this life, and my body. I'm elevating my self-care on EVERY level, and it feels GOOD. And it's about time! It's not an overnight revelation but I can so certainly help get you there faster than it took me. And helping people is a beautiful thing, it makes my heart happy.
K x
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