I attended a parenting course recently called 'Tuning into Kids' at my son's school. I was eager to learn as I signed up, but reluctant to attend when the day came. Long story short, it became 'parent therapy' for me. I could vent, and rant, and then LEARN more constructive ways to solve my 'dramas', Leena always had the answer [+ calm, realistic, is-she-really-human?]
But tonight. Tonight was the first night without my husband for a few days; admittedly he did the boys' bath routine lately, and tonight they tested me. Nothing major, just small notes of not cooperating, not going up the stairs when I said "shower time", not getting undressed, not un-touching everything when I said 'please stop touching my new boxes.' It all added up. And there went my internal analyst:
"Am I being too nice?"
"Should I not be listening to them, and just make them do what I say?"
"Should I make my requests more fun? Someone said be playful. I don't feel like being playful, I feel like having them do what I ask, am I having control issues right now?"
"WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!"
"They do not do this ____ with my husband."
Look. I just went with it. The story requests, the 'herding cats' mode to get anything done, and I am grateful that 2.0 me didn't get "too" anxious about it all. It's just bedtime, they're just kids, maybe it's because I meditated on the bus this morning, I. don't. know.
But this, THANK YOU UNIVERSE, this I found floating in my inbox from months ago; notes from zen Leena about our second week of the course (that I hadn't actually read until now:)
The full article she sent is here, but this part resonated with me so well tonight:
"Assuming our role as leader also gives children rest. Children do not want to be in the lead, even though it may seem like they do at times. Developmentally, they are not ready for it. Just as I wouldn’t want to be on a plane without a competent pilot, children want to feel secure in our ability to lead our families.
When they see us get constantly ruffled by their actions, it appears we aren’t capable. To use the airplane reference again, I would feel very worried if my pilot had a big emotional reaction to turbulence.
The pilot’s reaction would cause me to feel emotionally uneasy. It would probably cause me to have a big reaction because I’m looking to her/him to lead in this scenario. In the same way, our responses and reactions can cause our children to feel emotionally uneasy. So, while I’m not suggesting we be robotic or inhuman in our reactions, we do have the responsibility as parents to ensure that our kids feel confident in our ability to handle raising them, even (and maybe especially) when they test us."
I WAS THE INCOMPETENT PILOT! I mean, not totally, but I definitely pointed out the turbulence and then asked the weather to reason with me...yes you read that right.
I realise now that I need to give my children emotional rest by being emotionally resilient and what I would consider 'confrontational' when they test me with requests (over and over and over again.) I think I'm being nice by placating them, by 'going with the flow' but sometimes my flow is screaming "OMG it's bathtime already WTF, get upstairs!" and I need to honour that voice in my head too. And we both know my niceness never ends up making for a nicer night, it just escalates the anxiety...
So thank you, Universe, for sending me what I needing to read tonight. I know it won't be easy, but it sure is simple. Here's to my highest education of all, my motherhood. X
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