I am cocooned in my office, and I couldn't be happier. It's late, 11pm, I don't care, I am here.
Who am I?
No but really, WHO AM I????
Here's what I know so far, and for sure:
I am a mother. And I LOVE being a mother; but I HATE mothering.
I am a counselor. And I LOVE consoling; but I HATE being in the middle.
I am a caring friend. And I LOVE showing and showering my friends, but I HATE sharing my feelings face to face.
I am a writer. I AM A WRITER. I've never ever written that before. I LOVE that my words portray my emotions; but I HATE that my words force me to confront my feelings.
I am a daughter. And you know what?? I love that I'm learning to define my life away from being one. And I hate that I'm defining my life by separating myself from being one.
I'm a wife. Mostly a disappointment one because I use alcohol, wine mostly, to numb my feelings. I think my husband, I know my husband wishes I wouldn't, but I am not a strong enough human (yet!) to live without it. I will be someday. I WILL BE SOMEDAY. And in the meantime, I am kind, and and I know that I am doing whatever I need to, to get by. And as I progress, I will depart, and I will THRIVE in my independence of dependability to get by. In the meantime, I am grateful for the lessons learned along the way.
I'm a GOOD wife. I care, I share, I nurture. I make water with lemon, and coffee, almost every morning. I dole vitamins almost every night. There are exceptions. But mostly there are sleep ins and care taking. I am a good wife. I love being a good wife to a good man.
Here's what I hate; kitchen drains, car seats, taxes, complexities. Car problems; life problems, day planning, confronting, confessing, confiding - any other 'cons'?
That's more truthful than I've been so far. So let's pivot. Here is who I am BECOMING:
I am confrontational. When I believe my opinion, I honor it with argument.
I am an 'inconvenience-er'. When I am at fault, I resolve and move on, FOR ME, and not because that car behind me is waiting for me to figure out how to shift out of first gear in a manual car -- I'M LEARNING PEOPLE, I'M LEARNING!!! Imagine I have 'L's' (I should) and then drive past me, please and thanks.
I'm stubborn, but adaptable. If it's not 'my way' then it's hard to be any other way when I'm convinced (my way is the only way) I'm right, but I know now that it's not always true.
I'm open and optimistic; give me the nature, the sunrise, sunset, sunshine, I'm in awe.
Fear. I am in utter fear of feeling my feelings. What if they're bad?? What if they're good?? What if they're better suppressed. I am not allowing for my humanity. When we 'should' all over ourselves, we are not making way for our own path, our own history... and somehow this video has come up, I need to hear this, often. No judgement. I am a better sharer of feeings to those that I love the most,
I am human. I am evolving. I can let people down. I honour myself above all. I am free.
In the absence of thinking I am doing something wrong, it's creating friction to polish me.
"We are beneficiaries of life; not victims of it." Peter Crone.
Amen. Let us pray...
Goodnight, my heart loves, good night.
K x
PS this isn't the full list, the definition, but it's a start, that's all.
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